Think about it. If we were really holding Christmas icons accountable, Santa Claus would have been canceled years ago. Let’s look at the record.

Breaking and Entering

Every Christmas Eve, he sneaks into millions of homes without permission. He eats your food, leaves a mess of crumbs, and heads back up the chimney like nothing happened. Anywhere else, that’s a felony.

Exploiting a Workforce

Santa runs a workshop staffed entirely by elves. No wages, no labor contracts, no OSHA compliance. They can’t leave the North Pole, and they churn out toys year-round. That’s not a workplace, that’s indentured servitude with candy canes.

Animal Rights Violations

A team of reindeer forced to haul a sleigh through the sky, in every climate on earth, all in one night? That’s animal cruelty and a physics violation rolled into one.

Workplace Discrimination

Rudolph was mocked, bullied, and excluded until his nose turned out to be useful. Only then did he get a “promotion.” Sounds like hostile work environment to me.

Bad Habits and Outdated Language

On top of everything else, Santa smokes. He calls himself a “jolly old elf” — which, in some circles, is basically a slur. And don’t forget, he makes a list and checks it twice, which might sound good until you realize no one ever got the chance to appeal their placement on the Naughty List.

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Lawyer Bill’s Advice

Of course, none of this will make it to court. Santa still gets a free pass on December 24th, Rudolph still goes down in history, and the elves will keep clocking in. But it’s a reminder that sometimes the stories we take for granted sound a little different when you run them through the law. From all of us at The Jones Law Firm, Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!