Co-Parenting When One of You Doesn’t Want To
Let me settle one question before we get into the harder stuff.
Mother’s Day belongs to mom. Father’s Day belongs to dad. In almost every parenting plan I have ever written or reviewed, these holidays go to the respective parent regardless of whose regular weekend it is. That part is generally not up for debate, and it should not be.
In fact, I make it a point to encourage the dads I work with to take a moment and help their kids get something for their mom on Mother’s Day. Not because the law requires it. Because it is the right thing to do, and because the kind of man who does that is exactly the kind of father courts respect. It also, for what it is worth, makes the kids feel good.
Now. The rest of the year is where co-parenting gets complicated.
What the Order Says Is What Happens
Your parenting plan is a court order. It is not a suggestion. It is not a starting point for negotiation every time the calendar gets complicated.
If the order says you have the kids on a given weekend, you have the kids that weekend. If it says holiday time alternates, then it alternates. Your feelings about it are real and valid and entirely irrelevant to the question of compliance.
Courts get very impatient with parents who treat parenting plans as optional. And when a judge gets impatient, the parent who withheld time usually regrets it. For what happens next, see my post on contempt of court.
When the Other Parent Is the Problem
I have clients who do everything right. They show up. They follow the plan. They never talk badly about the other parent in front of the kids. And the other parent makes it a nightmare anyway.
Withholding information about school events. Showing up late for exchanges. Sending the kids back sick without notice. Refusing to communicate about anything.
These are not just annoyances. They are potentially contemptible behavior. Document them. Dates, times, specifics. If the pattern is real and consistent, there are tools in the legal system to address it.
What You Can Control
You cannot control your co-parent. (Trust me, my clients have tried.) What you can control is your own behavior, your own record, and your own children’s experience.
Courts watch both parents. The parent who stays calm, follows the order, and communicates through proper channels tends to fare better in modification proceedings than the one who treats every exchange as a battle.
That is not me being philosophical. That is me telling you how judges think.
Lawyer Bill’s Advice
Help your kids get a Mother’s Day gift. Help them get a Father’s Day gift.
That is the one piece of co-parenting advice that costs nothing and pays off in ways you cannot put a number on.
As for the rest of it: your co-parent may be difficult. That does not make you exempt from the order.
Document what happens. Follow the plan yourself. Use the legal system when the violations are real and recurring.
Your children will remember what you did. Not what the order said.
If you have questions, reach out to William W. Jones IV at midsouthdivorce.com/ask-lawyer-bill/.
About the Author: William W. Jones IV is a Memphis family law attorney, Rule 31 Listed Family Mediator, and Super Lawyers selectee every consecutive year from 2014 through 2025. Licensed in Tennessee (BPR 022869) and Mississippi (BPR 100707), he practices at The Jones Law Firm, 5100 Poplar Ave, Suite 708, Memphis, TN 38137. Call (901) 761-5353 or visit midsouthdivorce.com.
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