Leave the Elephant in the Room Alone — Revisited

When my son was little, we read him animal stories — Noah’s Ark, Goodnight Gorilla, Curious George. Most featured an elephant in one way or another. He understood what an elephant was — at least in theory. He’d seen the pictures, heard the stories. But the first time he saw one in person at the zoo? His eyes lit up. You could see it click. It wasn’t just a concept anymore — it was real.

Parenting your child after divorce is a lot like that.

You may think your ex is irresponsible, selfish, or simply not showing up as a parent. You may be tempted to “help” your child see that. But they’ll come to understand it in their own time — and it’ll land a lot harder when they do.

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Your Words Aren’t Neutral — Even When You Think They Are

It’s shockingly easy to send the wrong message with the right tone:

• “Why can’t your dad ever be on time?”
• “We can’t afford that — ask your mom. That’s what child support is for.”

Instead, try:

• “Let’s give it a few more minutes. Traffic may have slowed them down.”
• “Let me talk with your mom and see if we can make that work.”

These aren’t just throwaway lines — they’re deposits in your child’s emotional bank account. You’re showing them how to be gracious under pressure without whitewashing reality.

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Time Will Teach What You Shouldn’t

Back when I wrote this original article in 2010, my son was still a toddler. Today, he’s 17. He’s seen a few elephants for himself. And in the years since, I’ve had the child of a client — now grown — tell me something I’ve never forgotten:

“I figured it out on my own. I always remembered how my mom never said anything bad about my dad. Even when he deserved it. That stuck with me.”

That’s the long game.

Your kid will learn what kind of parent the other parent is — not through your commentary, but through consistency. Missed pickups. Broken promises. Patterns, not punchlines.

And when they see it clearly for the first time, they won’t just recognize the elephant. They’ll remember how you handled it.

They’ll remember that you stayed above it. That you didn’t drag them into the mud. And in that moment, they’ll see the real hero in the story.

Kids, like elephants, have long memories. Let’s make yours a good one.